New day.

And it feels so good to have you back.
(=

The world still sucks though.

Change.

Mm,I hope you surf around and still check this blog from time to time. Well, here goes. There hasn't been one day, ever since we've broken our friendship that I haven't thought about what I've done. There hasn't been one day that I haven't regretted making my dumb decisions. In the back of my mind, I'm always waiting for the chance to straightup tell him off, and scream all my feelings out. And I mean SCREAM, it wouldn't even help, he wouldn't even listen. But you know what? At least he'll get a taste of how much this is draining me out. Moving on? Oh, nono. I'm trying right? But it's not working. You were that much of an impact on me and you still know it. And whatever you heard? Idk, maybe the reason I didn't tell you was the exact reason you left me for. Maybe I didn't want to overload you with all of my shit, but I guess I already did.

"Its times like these where, I would need you the most, I would call you, you would give me your usual words of comfort, make me laugh, tell me everythings gonna be okay, & be my lifeline. These are the times when I miss you more than ever."

yeah, me too. You don't even know. I look like I'm fine right? Sike. I'd just rather not have myself look pathetic, and have people feeling sorry for me. I don't need any more of that.
And yeah, I read your blog, being the little stalker I am.

"So tell me why whenever I start thinking about you, missing you, wanting to talk you, regretting the past, anything along those lines I hear of something that just changes my mind completely. And all I feel is anger and disappointment. *Sigh. I’m tired of this. How could you not of told me? “Maybe Its just fate.” Maybe it is. Maybe it isn’t. Can you just stop? Please just stop pushing me away further and further. Its not getting better. At all."

Maybe if you were just straightup. You know I'd be okay with you telling me off. I know that's not the kind of person you are, but if it really meant that much to you, I think it's okay to look past that? I just wish I knew what you were thinking.

I guess it was your success.

And I guess you're expecting me to blog about this, that's why you're reading it right? I spent my whole afternoon visiting you. Yeah, just for you because I thought there would still be hope in fixing our friendship. So why do you act like that? an asshole, that's what you call it. You can't just say 'that's just me'. It's only you if you choose to be one. I was following you around trying to get you to look at me, and just talk to me openly. I know you're mad, so just let it out. Not like that, not like ignoring me, what the hell is ignoring me gonna do? And yeah, thanks for showing me your date. You know what's going on, and you still rub it in my face? And I was just telling her to buy the shirt, so you'd be happy. So you guys could match and have a good time. You turn around and yell at me like it was all my fault. I came there by MYSELF, and wished that it wouldn't rain. Usually, whenever I saw you, the rain always cleared up. Today, it was the exact opposite. I walked away from you, tired of the way you acted like I was your bitch. Don't you know I've been through enough shit? Why are you still putting more on me? Why the fuck would I go through all the trouble of getting rides to see you? Because I still care, not in that way. But you just don't get it. You just won't get out of your little world and open your eyes. If we can't be what you want, we could just be FRIENDS. There's nothing wrong with that. I HATE losing friends. I've lost so many already, and here you are, just another one of them. I turned around trying to tell you, that I really did come alone just to see you, and yeah you came back. Did you care that I was on the verge of crying? I don't even know. Your friends told me that's how you were, and here I was listening but trying so hard not to believe them. I thought we could just be like any other girl or guy. I thought we could actually be able to hangout without the feelings, so we could just have fun. Before, your spring fling was my way of making it up to you. Maybe I could've went and we could be friends afterwards, but I realized it wasn't worth the risk of you catching feelings again. I just couldn't do it. She was right, and the least I could do was to listen to her this once. I never did before, I admit it.

The whole time I was there, my heart was beating in anxiety. I was shaking, no joke. I even pulled out my homework in Crisann's class so I could focus on something else. And you know what? My schedule is hella packed, and I STILL spent that time. All you could care about is acting 'too cool' for me. Isn't that what it was before?

You could read this and not give a shit. Do whatever, I don't expect anything.

Everything here was written as straightforward as possible, so you don't have to 'decode' any girl talk. You're smart enough to understand. I hope you had fun with your guys. Happy Birthday Dereck or whoever.