Where did I go wrong?

So quick blog before I go to bed.
I can't study all of europe's countries and its capitals in one night.
It's just too much. So I gave up, I'll pass the quiz or something. idk.

Anyway, I felt like I needed some space today. Don't take me wrong, I love you guys and everything. Just.. didn't feel like hanging out with you. Maybe it was the fact that we were so close that made us fall apart? Like when you push something too far and in the end it just collapses. Hella wasted. I miss how it used to be. Our trust is broken, so we can never treat each other the same way. Why is my life like this? I took it back to middle school, and I realized how much alike it was. I remember being that one girl who was friends with all the guys, but had a weaker bond with the girls..

There were the few that stayed close, knowing that I liked to bounce around. It was weird though, they accepted me and everything. Maybe because it was private school. Nah, maybe because it was Challenger, and we all hated the school system, so the only thing we had left was each other. My mind started drifting off to the one person who meant the most to me--My bestfriend. Really, you were. My first love. I'd really like to believe you felt the same. I'm pretty sure you felt SOMETHING. How could we have gone through so much without it? You were the first one there for me when life got down. And you KNEW everytime I was down. From my parents to the principal. Your first girlfriend, and my first heartbreak. Of course, you didn't know that. I didn't want you to know. Our parents and THEIR hatred for each other. Lol, sneaking on the phone, knowing that we'd get in unimaginable trouble if our parents caught us. I think it was the seventh grade dance, that you were my date. Ha, and we almost go voted prince/princess. LMFAO. That was when you thought I was a weirdo. Eighth grade grad dance. Ohboy. You were TOO shy to ask me, and you were TOO stubborn to admit that I was gonna end up being your date anyway. It was like SET. ahaha, and VARUN had to step in just to get you to agree. Passing notes in history class? From one end to the other, through like 5 people just to get the note to me. Ahahahaha, wow. The old days. There was so much more, I can't even write it all out. Oh, and those hugs everyday. The last thing I expected to get before I went home, they meant the world to me at that time.

Last time I saw you, everything changed. What happened to the comfy chest I fell into everyday? It didn't feel right.
I guess we grew up.
But after reminiscing, I realized..all the things I've been through after you happened doesn't even matter anymore. All those tears over boys, and little fits over how hard life is. I wish you were the one I could be talking to. But nah, I found others who I could vent to. You'd never be replaced though. I'm sure. Just the old you, of course. What's the point of missing you? You won't come back. High school changed you. It changed me too. I've met new people, made new friends. So did you. Basketball's taken up a big part of your life, and I'm still the same nerd I used to be.

So I woke up this morning, looked in my planner, and scribbled out that name as much as I could. It just wouldn't go away. HE just wouldn't go away. I wanted to get away from people at school. Just recreate myself. But he showed up again. And it felt different. I can't really explain it, but yeah. I guess that's a good thing. Fantastic thing actually. I acted like a bitch. He started it though, whatever.

I'm such a confusing person.
And I'm glad you have enough patience to put up with me, or maybe it's just that you don't know the half of it. Idk, eventually. Sorry, for being so busy all the time. Sorry, you had to read that. It's just more of my life that maybe you should know about. It was a really big impact and yeah.

Firecrackers.

x catapthat (12:00:33 AM): ..still awake?
x catapthat (12:03:15 AM): i guess not
x catapthat (12:03:20 AM): well
x catapthat (12:03:22 AM): if you read this
x catapthat (12:03:24 AM): sorry
x catapthat (12:03:29 AM): im sorry about earlier
x catapthat (12:03:40 AM): i hung up right when you said "i miss you"
x catapthat (12:03:46 AM): i hope you didnt take it the wrong way
x catapthat (12:03:51 AM): i hate the way i am
x catapthat (12:03:56 AM): karma really got me
x catapthat (12:04:08 AM): but you should already know that
x catapthat (12:04:10 AM): i
x catapthat (12:04:13 AM): i miss you too
x catapthat (12:04:15 AM): alot
x catapthat (12:04:18 AM): and yeah..
x catapthat (12:04:25 AM): i really really really care about you
x catapthat (12:04:29 AM): for some odd reason
x catapthat (12:04:30 AM): haha
x catapthat (12:04:31 AM): idk
x catapthat (12:04:44 AM): i was thinking after we hung up
x catapthat (12:04:52 AM): i really do like you
x catapthat (12:04:59 AM): im gonna go to erika tomorrow
x catapthat (12:05:01 AM): and tell her
x catapthat (12:05:06 AM): "i really am happy"
x catapthat (12:05:10 AM): its no bs
x catapthat (12:05:14 AM): its true
x catapthat (12:05:30 AM): i havent really felt true love in a while
x catapthat (12:05:33 AM): and yeah
x catapthat (12:05:36 AM): im just adjusting
x catapthat (12:05:38 AM): and like
x catapthat (12:05:49 AM): a REAL relationship too
x catapthat (12:05:56 AM): im adjusting too
x catapthat (12:05:58 AM): i reallly want you
x catapthat (12:06:08 AM): but im in no rush
x catapthat (12:06:10 AM): i mean like,
x catapthat (12:06:14 AM): what am i gonna lose?
x catapthat (12:06:18 AM): not to be cocky,
x catapthat (12:06:20 AM): but i have you
x catapthat (12:06:22 AM): (:
x catapthat (12:06:26 AM): i think so
x catapthat (12:06:34 AM): and i dont want to lose what i have
x catapthat (12:06:48 AM): i dont wanna know what i got til its gone
x catapthat (12:06:59 AM): im just gonna be satisfied and content with what i do have
x catapthat (12:07:03 AM): that wont go away
x catapthat (12:07:10 AM): well yeah
x catapthat (12:07:17 AM): i just wanted to point that out
x catapthat (12:07:27 AM): i really do want you to call
x catapthat (12:07:47 AM): and i wish youre not gonna be tired after temple
x catapthat (12:07:52 AM): cause i wanna wake up to you
x catapthat (12:08:09 AM): i wanna wake up to "the light"
x catapthat (12:08:12 AM): knowing its you
x catapthat (12:08:24 AM): seeing "Crayons" on my tiny screen
x catapthat (12:08:27 AM): and hearing your voice
x catapthat (12:08:35 AM): but we cant always get what we want
x catapthat (12:08:46 AM): so yeah,
x catapthat (12:08:54 AM): youre probably getting up soon
x catapthat (12:09:03 AM): and im about to get into bed
x catapthat (12:09:06 AM): waiting
x catapthat (12:09:10 AM): for your call
x catapthat (12:09:12 AM): uh ih
x catapthat (12:09:12 AM): oh

Cupcake.

Hey there,

Changed the layout, so dates are posted.
Check out how fast that shit went.


Anyway, I wasn't expecting anything special today. I thought it was supposed to be hella crappy. Last night didn't go so well. Come on, over a few A-'s? Wtf. I'm never good enough, and I feel like shit around you guys. Have I ever broke a smile over something I'm proud of doing? I was so happy before you came home. Literally, I was on the phone screaming in excitement. I was THAT content with myself, for once. And then you go and ruin it. Was it really necessary to take it that far? With all this abuse? Fuck it, I wanted to just die at that moment. No joke. I had a pair of scissors in my hand about ready to cut myself again. But where would that lead me?

Whatever, what's passed is past.

School was alright. Normal day, no fights, no hard feelings.
Tutoring came along.
I walked out, and Kevin was there! I was HELLA 'eeeking' and shitt. He even brought me a chocolate cupcake with 3 perfect pieces of white choclate on top! Came down all the way from milpitas to drop off a cupcake? Mm, thanks<3.



Deja vu.
fuck.
I don't want it to happen again.
But I feel it already.

My bad.

Didn't know I still meant something. Nah, I probably don't. I know you hate me right now. I'm sorry. How many times do I have to say it? I made a mistake, just chill. Everything will settle out. They always do, and I always have to remind you. W/e. I know I ruined your night and everything. Yeah I apologize. AGAIN. Anyway so why are you giving me all this other shit to think about? I don't want to care anymore, but it's not like I can help it. Why are you keeping things away from me? We're supposed to be homies. Wth happened? I wanted a decent conversation. Sorry for fucking things up, I always do.


Anyway, I haven't blogged in a while, and I thought it's time for an update. Finals are DONE. That whole week I was stressing out so damn much. It took a bunch of work between studying/tutoring/talking to cupcaksters! all at the same time. Especially because I had four A-'s and I really needed to keep them there at least. Not all of the results are in, but I hope I did okay.

Five things I'd like to say to different people:
1. Damn, why the fuck is this bothering me so much?
2. You're hella two faced. Think I don't know? Sike.
3. I love you. Thanks for being here with me.
4. What would I do without you? You're the only reason I still keep a smile on in school.
5. I hope things don't repeat, and fall apart all over again.

In the Fast Lane.

Today, my day went completely wrong. I haven't had that many bad days in a while, but it just hit me. I stress too much over school, I forget that I have friends who care about me, and I feel like I take others for granted. Maybe that's why people get tired of me, and end up leaving. Others fear spiders, the dark, ghosts. Loss and failure is what I fear most. I don't mean to make you feel empty, or think I don't care. I do care, at the end of the day, when I get home, I only look forward to one thing. I'm feeling distant from my friends, even with the one person I trust in the most. What happened!? I feel hella weird, don't you? Idk, your phone broke and you're not on aim, so I can't really talk to you. It's been WEIRD, like I'm not even joking. Ohwell, we'll fix it. I know it. But anyway, I need to start waking up earlier and stop being late to p.e. The fucking Ms. Hulse is going through metapause or some shit, and gives me unnecessary bitchfits. I also need to get cleats! Slipping while playing soccer is not fun. Mm, seeing YOUR face everyday, and not being able to talk to you gives me this heavy feeling. I get pissed off for like 3 seconds, and cuss the shit out to a friend or something, and then get over it. Whatever. Failed my chemistry test. I know you tried cheering me up and all. Sorry, I got a little moody. Please don't give up. Just not yet. It's happening all over again, just even quicker than I thought. I hate it, there's something wrong with me. Something that I'm doing wrong. That's the common factor in everything that happens. I wanna be there and tell you I'm just being Mymy. It just happens sometimes, and it's nothing big. I promise. It's not a usual thing, so don't think you'd have to put up with it constantly. Maybe it's my period that's making me feel like shit. That or I'm really changing. Let's hope it's the first one.


I really should be starting my homework, but there's way too much on my mind. I can't be slacking off, not now.

Hope tomorrow's better.

Hot pink nails!

Wow, I love how I just woke up a couple hours ago. Haha, last night was fun! Actual bonding time with Elvis, Chau, and Jam. Well, on the way to Jam's, me and Elvis got pulled over by a damn cop. LOLOL. He was like "where are you guys headed? It's late." So we were like "Oh, we're just going home, that way!" aahaha, and he let us go. OMG. I got hella scared when he pulled us over. All good, he didn't take us into his car or some shit. Mm, we ate hellahella food at Jam's, and apparently you'd get 'gassy' if you didn't burn all that energy off. So me and Chau were laughing so much just to burn it all off. Anyway, I learned how to play poker! But Chau had to leave early so I got home around 4ish? Came home, and I went online to find an i/m from Mr. Catap.



Mending my heart already. All you had to do was show me that I deserved better. That my life is filled with a bunch of crap, and I don't need a distraction to overflow the load. I know, I always seem like I'm needy, like I always have to have someone's 'love' wrapped around me. Maybe it's because I haven't been loving myself enough. Yeah, my self esteem's been going down, and I don't have anyone to blame. I shouldn't even be taking whatever you say into thought. Your words shouldn't matter.
Anyway, first was the word of the day. It was the first time I painted my nails hot pink! Because I had an impulse to let them stand out or it was because of pure ecstasy. First time I accepted my flaws. First time I opened up to a stranger. First time a stranger blogged about ME. First time I realized how similar people's lives can be. First time I talked to a guy with a stache!

You are my first.
First friend of '09.
We both know that.
I don't know why, but I have a strange feeling about this.
Not good, not bad. More like I'm expecting something to go wrong.


P.S.
Your stache makes me laugh, like EVERY time.
Yeah, I have a thing against 'staches, but that's okay I guess.
I'll make an exception.

Take the brighter side of life.

So finally, it's 2009.
I'm really glad actually, I can have a fresh start again. I've lost friends, and I've gained others, but it's all part of this learning experience called life. I know I've made mistakes, but it just showed me what really mattered. I've tried making amends, tried apologizing for things I didn't do, tried gaining back some dear friends. Too bad, they're too stubborn to realize what's more important. It's okay! It's a new year, which means new opportunities to make up the for bad things I've done. '08 brought out a major change in me. I'm not the same little dork I used to be. I've stepped out of my boundaries and took risks on things I wouldn't IMAGINE doing a year ago. Oh well, I'm happy with what I am right now. So this year, I'll do my best to stop being so negative, and pressured into my work. There's always a different side, and I just have to accept it.

And for Elvis, Jam, Chau & Matt, I'm glad I spent last night with you guys. I know we all haven't known each other for very long. But it was nice to be with friends that care. I have this gut feeling, we'll get to know each other even better this year. =) Hooray for opening new hearts!


New years resolution:

Continue my strive to make it through high school with a success.